One would think that with all these mortifying and potentially emotionally scaring experiences, I would be able to handle any future embarrassing situation with a comfortable ease – that’s what I would think. Yet nothing, absolutely nothing, prepares me for the match making comments and attempts from my loving, big, Italian Family. Nothing. All it takes is one comment and I’m turning a darker shade of red then a cooked beet, and trying to back pedal my way out.
I mean, really, is there anything as embarrassing as everyone thinking you’re a complete loser and trying to salvage your reputation by finding someone you should date? I’ve got my mom announcing my relationship status at Bunco nights, and trying to set me up with her friend’s son with the catchy tag line “We think you guys should date. He doesn’t date either”. Perfect.
If only it were just my mom concerned that her only daughter is going to turn out an old maid, but that’s not the way my family works. As the saying goes “We’re in it to win it”, meaning everything is a group effort. Which is why this past summer on a family vacation where 16 plus family members are jammed into one beach house watching Isner v. Mahut at Wimbledon, I shouldn’t have been surprised by my aunt’s comment: “Hey Sarah, he (Isner) is cute! What about him?”
I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I was. And as my adoring family members’ began to swivel their heads towards me, I attempted to convincingly stammer: “uh. Yeah. He IS cute. He… uuum…seems like a really nice guy… doubt I’ll ever meet him though…”
And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly sink any lower than having family members propose random celebrity athletes as dating material, I was proven wrong.
A few weeks ago at an Italian family reunion where nine women of varying ages were sitting around a table conversing, my aunt casually inserted into the conversation that she was talking to her chiropractor about me and would you know it, he has a single son! Not only does this young man like football (always a plus), but the most promising thing is that, “he likes Italian food” and I’m Italian!
I don’t know what unsettles me more, the thought that we have dating potential because I can cook for him or that my aunt is talking to her chiropractor about me. Apparently, my “situation” has progressed from intimate friends and family to anyone who might have a son of marriageable age. My romance life is like danger warnings- I’ve progressed from yellow to CODE RED, and the family is getting nervous.
Don’t get me wrong- I ADORE my family. They are without a doubt the absolute best thing about me. They’ve just got me living in terror of the day, and it could be any day now, that they decide to write me off. It could happen.
So, I’ve decided to be proactive and have done some thinking in preparation for the day that my family gives up, and the biological clock begins to reach potential detonation and I have to say, I’m pretty excited about my chances on eharmony.
I mean, who knows… I might even get picked to be on a commercial! I can just see myself dancing around with that white back drop saying “You know my family had given up on me, and truth be told I handled awkward situations better than the subject of relationships. But (insert cheesy smile and thumbs up sign) that’s all behind me now”.